Joy to the Whirled
by Koko-chan1
Summary: Harlequin throws a Christmas party as only a God of Chaotic Silly can. Eighth in the Harlequin Series. Small crossover with Gundam Wing. Kurama/Hiei, Kuwabara/Yukina, Yuusuke/Keiko, Heero/Duo. Brief mention of Trowa/Quatre and Jin/Touya if you squint and shake your monitor really hard.


Joy To The Whirled...

An obligatory (if belated) Christmas special edition

-by-

Koko-chan and the Blue Spanch

ooooo

 **A/N: Back to silly. This story is a mild crossover with Gundam Wing. Also, Koko and Kyoki are original characters of mine from an ancient roleplay. I hadn't yet figured out that adding rp characters without any of their backstory was a bad thing to do for fanfics. More notes at the end.**

ooooo

The Harlequin sat on his throne (currently a large purple beanbag chair on stilts) and watched the worlds go by. The Ningenkai in particular was interesting at this time of year; they were gearing up for some major holiday or other, one all full of sparkly things, pine trees, infantile greed, and big fat old guys in red suits. Quite a fascinating picture it made, sliding over his viewscreen.

A small group of his lackeys, a strange and colorful mix of bizarre creatures dressed in clown's motley, chittered and giggled at the images, one or two even trying to dance like sugarplums. The scene reminded the Harlequin that he had not thrown a party here for nearly eighty years. It was high time then, to throw a real ripsnorter! The kind of party that had the guests swinging from the chandeliers in no time flat! Time for full-contact chess, zero-G tennis, and a swimming pool full of lime jello! Time for submarines in the punch bowl, wild dances in free-fall, and passing out behind the couch from a jellybean overdose!

'Quin became aware that he was giggling maniacally, and sobered a little. If he was going to throw a party, then he might as well keep in time with the season. Also, he would need some guests. After all, only people with multiple personalities could enjoy a solitary party. This would take some study. Okay, the holiday is called Christmas and the main character is alternately some big fat old guy or an overdecorated tree with all boxes under it... What?

Yeah. Lots of study time will have to be devoted to this one. And a trampoline. With bells on.

In the rather special kind of time that existed here in Chaos Corner, the Harlequin spent at once several days and about half an hour reading all the stories, watching all the movies and cartoons, sneering at all the commercials, and listening to all the music. Apparently this whole thing was originally a massive birthday party for some fairly important religious figure, but it had twisted itself into a strange mix of generosity and rampant merchandising. The most important bits seemed to be the tree, the star on the top of the tree, the snow, the presents, and the fat guy in red. Oh, yeah, and having all the family and friends over so they could bicker loudly until the host exploded with annoyance and threw them all out the window. That sounded like fun. Well then, to work! The myriad lackeys went into a frenzy of decorating furor as the Harlequin started penning invitations. He knew just the right folks to invite.

ooooo

Let our scene shift to the Ningenkai, to the city of Tokyo, and to a certain cinema in particular. Snow is lying in moderate drifts around it, and more is drifting down from the heavens. Small bright fairy lights twinkle in the potted trees, Christmas decorations abound everywhere, and music from some old carol drifts faintly through the air. This is interrupted suddenly as a crowd of moviegoers file out of the building, glaring at one group of four who are hauling one of their number bodily out of the cinema. Getting Hiei out of the movie theater was proving to be as hard as it was getting him in there in the first place. The movie itself hadn't helped. It was a subtitled version of "Dante's Peak" - shipped straight from America, and Hiei had gotten a most unpleasant glint in his eyes as the city dissolved into the magma. Twice Kurama had to dissuade him from helping the volcano destroy the city. For Hiei at least, the movie had ended far too soon, and was objecting strenuously to being dragged out of the theater. Yuusuke finally had to stuff a snowball down Hiei's shirt to cool him down.

Things would have gone very badly for Yuusuke if the paper airplane hadn't sailed into their midst. It came literally out of nowhere, and with unerring accuracy shot into Kuwabara's right ear and came right out of the left one without slowing down. "Wow," Yuusuke said, snatching the plane out of the air. "Mental floss."

"It proves that there's nothing in that baka's head but an updraft, anyway." Hiei remarked, still a little pissed about the snowball.

"NANI?!" Kuwabara barked, swinging a fist at the fire demon; it missed, of course, sending Kuwabara face-first into a snowdrift.

Yuusuke, meanwhile, had unfolded the airplane. There was a message on it, but the calligraphy was so ornate and convoluted that it was completely impossible to read. "What does it say?" Hiei asked when he noticed Yuusuke's puzzled scowl.

"Your guess is as good as mine." Yuusuke replied and handed the paper to Kurama. "Can you read this thing?"

Kurama studied it, turned it this way and that, even tried reading it from the back by holding it up to the sun. "No, I can't read it either. You want to give it a try, Kuwabara?"

Kuwabara stopped digging snow out of his sleeves and took the letter, but he had no more luck than the others. In fact, all he got from it was eyestrain. "Here," he said, handing it to Hiei. "I don't care if you are illiterate."

Hiei studied the intricate whorls on the paper out of curiosity. Oddly enough, they seemed to convey some meaning to him that the others were blind to. There were words hidden in the patterns...

"Dear Reikai Tante," He began, tracing the symbols with one finger as the others looked on in astonishment. "You have been cordially invited to a wild Christmas party at Chaos Corner, a.k.a the Harlequin's Hangout. Drinks, games, music, dancing, and all kinds of other stuff that will be carried the edge of the unseemly await you! You will not need to bring gifts for the other guests; such will be provided by the host. Meet together in the park on the 24th at approximately three p.m. and you will be transported to the proper location. Do not worry about missing the holiday in the Ningenkai, because you won't.

"RSVP.

"P.S. Directions for sending the reply: Write it on a nacho chip and throw it out the window. I'll get the message."

"You can actually read that garble?" Kurama said, still unable to believe it.

"Yes." Hiei replied.

Yuusuke chuckled and rolled his eyes. "That's from the 'Quin, all right. Only he would write a note that only an illiterate person could read. What do you say, guys? Do you want to party with the psychotic mime over the holiday, or shall we toss the invite into the river and forget about it?"

They thought about it.

"I've got some loose change." Kuwabara said.

"And there's a snack machine with chips in it inside the theater." Kurama said with a smile.

"I've got a pen that will write on anything." Yuusuke added.

"I can open any window." Hiei agreed. "If necessary, I'll make one."

"You get to pay for damages if you break something." Yuusuke said, leading them back inside the cinema.

ooooo

And so it was that they met together on the twenty-fourth day of December in the park, waiting for something interesting to happen. Finally, Yuusuke glared at his watch, thinking it might be wrong. "Anyone else got the time?" He asked.

Kurama checked his. "Mine says it's two fifty-nine."

Hiei held up a pilfered Rolex. "This thing says it's five after three."

Kuwabara checked his watch too, and got a nasty surprise. "Mine's running backwards." He said.

Then they noticed that the snowflakes falling around them were shaped like the four card suits. Looking up, they found the landscape radically changed. Instead of the familiar trees, bushes and flowerbeds, they found themselves standing at the front door of a castle. A castle built by a deranged architect, so it was. It sat on a floating island that hung in a sky that seemed to be the view through the biggest kaleidoscope in existence. It glittered, it twisted, it turned in on itself in ways that it shouldn't have, and strangely distorted Christmas carols rang from every bell tower.

"I can see why they call this place Chaos Corner." Kurama said.

"Yeah." Kuwabara said, looking at the gates, which appeared to be made of peppermint. "How are we going to get in? I don't see any doorbells or anything- Shit! What's that?!"

A multitude of small clownish creatures with amber eyes and huge toothy grins erupted out of the nearby snowbanks and out of holes in the walls. Although none of them were even half Hiei's size, there was something faintly menacing about them, and our heroes drew together to meet any attack. Instead of jumping them, however, the creatures formed up outside the gates and blew a vaguely off-key fanfare on kazoos. At this signal, the gates swung open and the Harlequin stepped out, resplendent in his finest red and black silks. "Salutations, greetings, and hi howareya!" The God of Chaotic Silly greeted them with a welcoming smile. "C'mon in! You're just in time to help me cool off Mukuro- she and Yomi don't get along at all well, do they? Grab a bucket of pistachio ice cream on you way in, kids; one of those down the shorts will stop a rampaging rhino dead in its tracks, so it should work with a couple of pissy sorcerers."

A splash and rather a lot of furious screaming from inside the castle told the new arrivals that pistachio ice cream would not be necessary. "Never mind, the lackeys are taking care of it." The Harlequin said, wincing as Mukuro and Yomi- both soggy wet- took out their anger on a large group of small strange things.

"Lackeys?" Kuwabara said weakly, trying to shake one of them off of his ankle.

"Yeah, they seem to come with the territory." 'Quin replied, motioning them inside. "Koenma and everybody else has Onis to do the dirty work around the place; I wound up with these little dudes. They're loads of fun, though! They are practically indestructible, naturally funny, and weird as all get out. Plus, they get stuff done."

"Yeah." Yuusuke said absently, looking around the castle interior.

The place was huge. A football field could fit in here with room to spare. In fact, the inside of the castle seemed to be rather larger than the outside, but that wasn't half as strange as what was going on in it. A lavishly decorated pine tree that was perhaps a hundred years old scraped the ceiling in one side of the Hall, sparkling with thousands of fairy lights and festooned with ornaments crafted of the most singular materials. The candy canes alone would have filled a truck, and a vast pile of carefully-wrapped boxes crowded under the lowest branches. At the other end of the Hall was a fireplace that an elephant could have hid in, and a fire roared in the grate behind a screen hung with various kinds of stockings, only some of which could fit a human foot. The walls were thickly decorated with buntings and garlands, crystal ornaments hung from the ceiling, and long tables laden with food and drink were set here and there around the place. Then there were the guests, of which there were a fair amount, and the lackeys were _everywhere_. A crowd of them ran past the Harlequin and the Spirit Detectives at top speed, giggling maniacally and dodging the blasts as Mukuro and Yomi chased after them, nearly flattening Yuusuke and several other guests on their way. "Damn!" Yuusuke gasped. "You invited _them?_ "

"But of course." 'Quin replied as the ever-present lackeys took their coats and shoes. "I want this event to be as exciting and memorable as possible for everybody. You just wait until tomorrow morning, when we get to unwrap the presents."

There was another scream of frustrated rage from the angry sorcerers; the lackeys had run up the wall and were now pelting their pursuers with oranges.

'Quin winced as Yomi blew a hole right through the roof. "You know," he said, "I do believe that those two are actually having a great deal of fun together right now."

Kurama ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Just to be on the safe side, Harlequin, who else did you invite over?"

"Oh, whole bunches!" 'Quin replied with a grin. "See, that's Raizen over there, trying to figure out the Electrofleener in the corner, I think that Jin and Touya are playing zero-G tennis in the other room, the Piper's over there trying to teach Ninja Norkie and this one guy named Duo how to juggle, Duo's buddy Heero is over there trying to figure out how Van works, and behind that plate-glass window is a roomful of evil-minded fic writers. If you know what's good for you, don't go in there. Oh, yeah, Keiko, Yukina, and Botan are here also, but I kinda lost track of them a while ago."

"You lost track of Yukina?!" Kuwabara growled, picking 'Quin up by the front of his shirt. "If those little monsters of yours have done anything to upset her, I'll-"

"Help!" Yukina's voice cut through the noise.

Looking around frantically, Kuwabara spotted her at last; she and the other girls had been dressed up like angels and were now serving as large ornaments at the top of the tree. "Get us down from here!" They wailed.

Kuwabara dropped Harlequin and took off in their direction with Yuusuke following close behind. "I take it that things are just going to get stranger from here?" Kurama asked.

"Oh, of course!" 'Quin said happily. "As a matter of fact, I-"

A ferocious, feral-sounding metallic roar drowned out his voice as someone rode up on the biggest, meanest, and hairiest motorcycle that they had ever seen. It had claws. It had fangs. The handlebars looked more like twisted horns than anything else, and a single, baleful eye glared from where a headlight should have been. The rider pulled the monstrous contraption to a screeching halt in front of them, and lifted her helmet. "Hi, guys!" She said. "You have got to try these things!"

"Genkai?!" Kurama gasped, badly startled. "What is that thing? What are you doing here?"

Genkai smiled at his astonishment and gave the bike's front fender an affectionate pat. "I don't know just what this thing is, but it's loads of fun. As for what I'm doing here, I got an invitation just like everyone else. Now, I'm going to go see how this thing handles a trip through the swimming pool."

"Swimming pool?" Hiei said, giving the bike a suspicious glare.

"Yup! It's all full of staplers for some reason. Bye!" With that, Genkai put her helmet back on and sped off, jumping the bike over several guests and driving clear up to the ceiling before leaving the room. A pack of lackeys dressed in pieces of a Santa Claus outfit trailed after her on a number of other vehicles; six on scooters, one on a hang-glider, two on roller skates, and at least three on rocket-powered pogo sticks.

The Harlequin laughed. "Deck the walls with skids from Harleys! I should have known that she'd be able to tame an Ionian Were-cycle."

There was a scream and a crash as Kuwabara and Yuusuke got the girls out of the tree the old-fashioned way; they fell out of it, landing on several of the boxes stacked underneath. One of the larger boxes, seemingly taking offense at the interruption of its nap, opened a huge fang-lined maw and, roaring dreadfully, attempted to eat Yuusuke. Yuusuke, Kuwabara and the girls decided that discretion was the better part of valor and took off across the room screaming in terror with the brightly-wrapped horror bounding behind them. Not watching where they were going, they hit the buffet table at full speed. Dazed and helpless, our heroes lay among the canapes as the be-ribboned monster poised to strike...

 **BLAM!**

A tall young man with deep blue eyes, short brown hair, and a face that had never cracked a smile in living memory stood over them with a smoking handgun. The monster-box slumped in a crumpled heap in the pudding with a huge hole blasted in it, right in the bow. The flash and the bang the firearm made had attracted Jin, who hovered overhead, seething with curiosity. Van strode up, a bit curious himself. "You lot all right?" The big robot asked.

Yuusuke and the others never got a chance to answer. "Hey! That thing's really neat! I dunno what it is but it makes a neat noise; hey, can I try it? Please? Huh? Please?" Jin piped, making a grab for the gun.

The Young man deftly avoided the Wind-spirit's grab and tucked the gun back into his spandex biker shorts, which for some reason, did not so much as make a bulge in the fabric. Jin was fascinated. "Wow! How'd you do that? Where'd it go? It's gotta be in there somewhere 'cuz you're a human and humans don't do that kind of magic much." He began flying around the gunman, poking at his shorts.

Jin was saved from acquiring a broken arm when the monster-box, gaining its second wind, leaped out of the pineapple mush and attempted to eat everybody again. Van solved that problem by jumping up and down on it until it quit moving. "As for you, you ridiculous little wind-imp," Van said, waving his hands at Jin. "Shoo! Shoo! Why don't you go play with that hang-glider over there, or the fellow with the braid?"

"Hang-glider?!" Jin said gleefully, "Cool!" and sped off.

"What a moron." The gunman said, and helped Yuusuke out of the tunafish salad.

"Merely a goofball, Heero." Van replied, dusting crackers off of Botan. "You should know the type."

"Intimately." Heero said ruefully, rolling his eyes at Duo, who stampeded past holding a thin rope. On the other end of the rope was Jin, who was being flown like a kite and enjoying himself immensely.

"Whee! Hey Duo, let's go out to the balcony, where there's an actual wind!"

"Fine!" Duo answered and raced out through a side door, nearly tangling the Wind-spirit up in the chandelier.

Van gave Heero a comforting pat on the shoulder as the young man vented an embarrassed groan. "C'mon, Heero, how 'bout we go sit over there and discuss some cybernetics. I've got an idea or two that should boost the power output on those Gundam things of yours by sixty percent or so." Heero allowed himself to be led off.

"Joy to the Whirled!" The Harlequin sang out suddenly. "The Lord is drunk! And passed out on the floor!"

"Um, 'Quin, that's not how the song goes." Kuwabara said.

"Oh, sure it does." Harlequin pointed to a prone figure near one of the buffet tables. "Yomi sure fits the bill."

"What the... How'd that happen?"

"Being blind, the poor sap can't tell a glass of Skyrocket from a glass of egg nog. Tossed the whole thing off in one gulp. Help me get him up onto a couch or something before Mukuro decides to take advantage of the situation."

"Too late." Yuusuke said.

Sure enough, there was Mukuro, who had borrowed Botan's makeup kit, making certain alterations to Yomi's pristine complexion. Kurama would have felt sorry for him if he wasn't already carrying a major grudge against the disgusting pervert. He left the others to offer their suggestions and made his way over to one of the tables for a glass of sparkling apple cider. A pack of lackeys on unicycles wove their way through the fancy dishes at a ridiculous speed, at which point Kurama decided to take refuge beside a large potted plant. From this vantage point, he had an unparalleled view of the entire room. He sipped his cider and watched as his lover hotly contested Touya's claim on the single maraschino cherry perched atop an ice-cream sundae the size of a bathtub. Fully aware that a swordfight or magical warfare was not permitted in the castle- there was a poster on one wall that graphically described what would happen to anyone who tried it- Hiei and Touya grabbed he only weapons available; spoons. They began gobbling the sundae as fast as they could, racing for the cherry. Kurama gave an amused snort and took another sip from his glass. When he looked up again, he saw two other familiar faces; his dancing cousin Koko and his boyfriend, Kyoki. "Hello, Koko!" Kurama called across the room.

"Cousin Kurama! Hi!" Koko shouted back happily. "Did you know that Uncle Hiei is trying to drown himself in a bucket of ice cream over there?"

"Yes. He seems to be enjoying himself, though!"

At that point, Kyoki spotted something of greater interest on the same table. "Look, Koko! Duck!"

There were at least five duck dishes steaming succulently a yard or so down from the ice-cream warriors, and Kyoki was salivating visibly, wings twitching. With a whoop of glee, he leaped onto the table and grabbed a whole roast duck and dragged it off the table, knocking Touya face first into the fudge sauce in the process. Touya's weight collapsed the flimsy table, spilling both them and the sundae onto the floor, burying both of them. The cherry, however, rolled off and was eaten by a passing Norkie. As for Kyoki, he had retired to a corner and was ripping into the cooked bird with considerable gusto, growling when anybody but Koko came too close. Koko had managed to snaffle a leg and a wing off of the bird and was munching happily alongside his chimera.

"Having a good time?" A deep voice resonated in Kurama's ear.

"The floor show is excellent." Kurama sighed as Hiei and Touya excavated themselves from the ruins of the sundae. "Hi, Piper."

The Piper nodded a greeting to Kurama and turned his faceted gaze to the scene before them. "It seems that Bully is too stuffed with ice cream to move." He commented softly.

"He looks very pleased with himself though." Kurama replied, smiling. Hiei looked very attractive smeared all over with fudge sauce...

"Indeed he does. And so does your cousin's boyfriend, who is currently tearing into his second duck."

"Kyoki." Kurama said with a chuckle. "Maybe he should have let Norkie finish cutting off a piece before he grabbed it." Sure enough, Norkie was queeping furiously around Kyoki's ankles, waving his tiny sword. "I'm not sure exactly what Koko sees in him, but they get along well."

"We will simply have to trust his judgement." Piper murmured. "He always did make friends easily. Even when he was but a sprat."

"You knew him then?" Kurama asked, startled.

"Oh, sure, we met once. Cute little critter. A genuine nine-tailed head-sitting gopher what goes 'Yap!'."

Kurama had to strangle a guffaw. He'd never thought of his little brown cousin as a gopher. Come to think of it, the term had once been very appropriate... Koko, however, did not think so. His ears were very sharp, and he had never liked being called a gopher. "I am _not_ a gopher!" He shouted, rising to his full height. "I am a full-grown Kitsune!"

Piper looked him up and down. "Five and a half feet. Not bad, for a nine-tailed head-sitting gopher what goes 'Yap'."

Koko growled, coffee-colored hair puffing out with rage. He shifted form with great display of light and mists, revealing himself as a true nine-tailed fox-form Kitsune. With a howl, the young fox launched himself at Piper, fully intent on knocking out a few of the monster's fangs.

Piper, however, had different plans. He ducked his head at the last moment, forcing Koko to make a skittering landing on the elongated skull, dancing madly to avoid getting cut on the small, razor-sharp spines. "Yap!" Koko said disgustedly when he had finally come to a halt. "Yap! Yap yap yap! Grrrrrr!"

Piper reached up and tugged gently on one bottle-brushy tail. "I rest my case."

Kurama was giggling hysterically into the potted plant.

Koko was not amused. "Snarrrlll!"

A certain amount of noisy excitement burst out from the far side of the Hall, attracting Piper's attention. With the ease of long practice, he deftly removed Koko from his head and deposited him upside down into Kurama's arms. "Hold this, will you?" He said with some amusement. "I have to go stop Mukuro, 'Quin, and Raizen from dipping Yomi into the fondue."

As the scarlet monster moved off, Koko waved his paws in the air and fixed pleading eyes on Kurama's. "Yap! Whiiiinnnnneee!"

"What can I do?" Kurama shrugged. "Thumping the other guests is considered bad manners, little cousin. C'mon, there's another duck over there."

"Yap!"

ooooo

It was somewhat later, though one would be hard-pressed to say just how much later. It certainly _felt_ late. Everybody had gathered near the fireplace for the warmth and comfort that only that kind of fixture could give. Genkai had put down a saucer of bloody mary for her evil-minded were-Harley and was now having a noisy argument with Piper and Raizen about the nature of sorcery. Hiei lay curled in Kurama's lap, purring happily. He had stuffed himself so full of ice cream and other such goodies that his bulging sides were steaming gently. The same could be said for Koko and Kyoki, both slicked with duck grease and very smug about it. Yomi sat some distance away on the couch, nursing an incredible headache and a severely bruised dignity while Mukuro poked among the remaining buffet dishes, occasionally glancing at him and snickering. Harlequin, Duo, Heero, Jin, and a number of lackeys were off in one corner of the room constructing a large and confusing jungle-gym out of PVC piping and rope ladders. Touya was passed out under the tree; he had also mistaken the Skyrocket for something less intoxicating. Yuusuke, at Keiko's insistence, was rather gingerly teaching her the rules of strip poker. Kuwabara had taken Hiei's stuffed somnolence as the opportunity it was and was now dreamily sharing a chocolate milkshake with Yukina. It had quieted down some, and Botan and a few lackeys were toasting marshmallows in the fireplace. In short, it was just the scene for something strange to happen, and it occurred right on schedule.

The roof rolled back with much loud creaking, and many large crates parachuted down through the opening, crates full of a variety of snack foods and soft drinks. The Harlequin looked up and hissed in annoyance. "Damn." He muttered. "They were supposed to come down _inside_ the fic-writers' room. What the hells. Brace yourselves, folks!"

"Huh?" Kuwabara said brilliantly.

There was suddenly a ferocious commotion behind the plate-glass window on the far wall. With a ringing Tarzan yell, the inmates kicked the door half off its hinges and stampeded out, hooting and hollering in their eagerness to reach the crates. Some of them, however, were not satisfied with mere junk food. One inordinately tall young man with short dark hair and a magnificent set of braces trotted over to Mukuro, wrapped his arms around her, and gave the stunned sorceress a huge kiss full on the lips. Then he ran away from there very fast. Mukuro was too startled to turn the impertinent human into a newt. Two young women chased Kurama and Hiei right up the tree, and another was pursuing Duo monkey-like through the newly completed jungle-gym. The only other fic-writer who had not stampeded back into the writing room was a shortish woman with a long braid, a battered old baseball cap and glasses. She stood by the crates with one hand on a pile of Caramello bars and the other resting on the rim of a wheeled vat of raspberry yogurt, surveying the scene with a great deal of amusement. Finally she straightened up and let out a piercing whistle. Rank upon rank of lackeys formed up in front of her, backs ramrod-straight and saluting. "Round up my fellow raving loonies and toss them back inside, please." She commanded them. "Hiei looks about ready to lose his lunch."

The lackeys never had to lay a hand on the one chasing Duo. She spotted the heap of Caramellos by the crates and reacted unusually. "Caramello bars!" she howled, rushing over and dragging Duo with her by the hair. " _MINE!_ "

"Help!" Duo squeaked.

The lady with the hat grimaced with annoyance and quickly separated her ravening companion from Duo's hair, and dumped her into the yogurt vat for good measure. The lackeys returned a second later with the other two, who were protesting vigorously. With a nod of satisfaction, the be-hatted one packed the candy bars into a handy box and wheeled the yogurt vat and its occupant back into the writing room, carefully but firmly closing the door behind her.

"What the hic! hells was _that?!_ " Hiei snapped. The mad dash up the pine had given him the hiccups.

"Bad aim, apparently." Van said from behind the couch where he had plugged himself into an electrical outlet.

"Some bad aim." Mukuro grumbled, washing her mouth out with wine.

Yomi snickered at her, and then grabbed the top of his head to keep it from falling off.

Botan frowned in confusion. "If they were so hungry, why didn't they just eat off the tables here?"

The Harlequin shook his head sadly. "It wouldn't have worked, Botan. No matter how well you describe a meal, it still tastes of printer ink and wood pulp when you try to eat the page."

"What?" The fairy girl was genuinely boggled now.

"Those were fic-writers. They live on an entirely different plane from us, even though I've invited them here. I had to import all that junk food from their world, since they work much differently than we do."

Keiko made a face. "Where do they come from, then?"

'Quin sighed and leaned back against Piper's broad flank. "I don't go there very often, and even then I don't have a very good time of it. It's a world much like the Ningenkai, only much duller. Supernatural activity is very rare, and often discredited. Most of the martial arts styles that you guys use can't exist there at all. They haven't even advanced far enough into robotic science to come up with disgustingly huge battlesuits or energy weapons yet. No robots, no Rei Guns, no Rei Swords, no Dragons, no plant-magic, no sorcery, no nothing. There isn't much in the way of indication that a spirit or demon world exists over there, either; all their angels and demons are quite human. I can't even find a decent Carnival or Circus any more 'cause they've all gone corporate or commercial or something. I generally have to wait until Mardi Gras to get my two cents in, and even that's being threatened."

Everybody was looking at 'Quin now, their expressions a mix of pity and horror. Raizen sneaked a marshmallow off of Botan's stick and asked: "How's Mardi Gras in trouble?" Raizen once had the opportunity to attend that famous festival and had enjoyed it immensely. "Some morality campaign, perhaps?"

'Quin grimaced unhappily. "Nope. It's from bad planning, more than anything. Their local huge river has been dammed and leveed and silted up and dammed some more up to the point where it is now; the city is actually lower than the water level. All they need now is one major flood and _goosh!_ The dams and levees will break and New Orleans will become a very large lake with all buildings sticking up out of it. You can't hold a major festival if your party ground is under twenty feet or so of water."

"And they have to live in that world?" Kuwabara said. "Those poor people!"

"They seem to like it." The Piper said. "I've been there once or twice myself; I haven't seen many attempts to leave the planet from them, not many at all. They have only been to the Moon twice that I know about, and in forty years, they still have not set foot on Mars. I wonder, will they ever make it out there? Will they ever grow up and leave home?"

"Queep." Norkie said sadly, from his perch on Yukina's lap.

They collapsed into a morose and moody silence broken only by the crackling of the logs in the fireplace, and by the occasional "splut" of marshmallows falling off a stick. A little while later, a single lackey bounced into the group, squeaking loudly with great agitation. "What's that?" Harlequin exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "The Power Rangers have landed in the swimming pool and are having a firefight with a large and unconvincing rubber monster?! We can't have that nonsense around here! Come on, guys, it's blasting time!"

The others, glad to have some respite from the thought of a world completely devoid of nifty things, followed their host in a mad dash out to the back yard, shouting with enthusiasm.

ooooo

Half an hour later, our heroes trudged back in, weary, smeared liberally with caramel from the pool, and quite triumphant. It had been a difficult and extremely ridiculous battle, but they were all satisfied with the fact that they had wiped one of the most profoundly annoying TV icons out of existence. The show would simply have to go into reruns from now on. The victorious folk had just enough energy left to clean themselves up, drink mugs of hot cider with gingerbread cookies, and pass out cold on the squadron of futons that had appeared on the floor near the fire.

They awoke to the gleeful chittering of a horde of lackeys, who were going through their stockings with gusto. "Aw, no fair." Yuusuke sulked sleepily. "We don't get stockings?"

"We didn't bring any." Duo replied, running his fingers through his frizzy bed-head. "Besides, our loot is under the tree, remember? Stockings are for kids."

As one, everybody looked at the tree and its mountains of brightly-wrapped goodies. "What say we all go over and have a look?" Yomi suggested, greed dripping off of every syllable.

Piper, however, was very observant of courtesies. "Not until 'Quin wakes up, fellas. It's rude."

Sure enough, the stripey clown was still out cold on the couch. Since they weren't about to offend the Piper's sensibilities, they decided to wake Harlequin up themselves. It wasn't easy. Prodding and shaking did not work. Shouting just made him snore louder. A borrowed supersoaker just made the snores a bit bubbly. The old bucket of water trick didn't work because the water poured up instead of down, drenching a potted plant that had been bolted to the ceiling. Finally, Heero took action. At great personal risk, he entered the fic writer's room and came out with the vat of raspberry yogurt, which was starting to smell just a little bit past the sell-by date.

What can we say? It worked. Being dunked headfirst into slightly rancid yogurt could wake up _anything_ , including the Harlequin. He was extremely upset, though. This was probably due to the fact that there was already someone in there. With a yowl, 'Quin shot out of the vat and landed squarely behind the sofa. Surfacing like some dreadful bog monster out of a very dairy-oriented horror flick, an extremely sloppy fic writer glared over the edge at him in a most Kilroyesque manner.

Fortunately, before the horror could do anything more than ooze menacingly at them, a group of lackeys wheeled it back into the writing room.

ooooo

Once they'd hosed 'Quin off with the supersoaker, they all headed for the tree, but not before they made 'Quin promise that none of the boxes would try to eat them again. Yuusuke absolutely insisted, and Kuwabara and the girls backed him up all the way. Boxes with teeth are strictly a funny-once.

"Let's see," Harlequin said, rummaging around in the stacks. "Ah! Here's one for Touya. You're gonna love this."

Touya gave his host a suspicious look and tore the paper off. It was a book. A very thick book. "Oooh!" Touya cried with such excitement that Hiei leaned over his shoulder for a look. "The Grand Master Grimoire of Every Ice Cream Recipe in the Known Universe!" Three seconds later, both Hiei and Touya were flipping through the pages and drooling. Every so often, they would shout out some flavor in tones of ecstasy.

"Here's something to keep you busy, Jin." Harlequin handed the wind spirit a flat and lumpy package.

Jin didn't hesitate for a moment. He tore the paper off with such speed that he appeared to vanish in a could of confetti. When it cleared, he held up a mess of rods and black fabric. "All right!" he shouted. "I've wanted one of these for just _ages!_ "

"What is it?" Keiko asked.

"Spumoni!" Touya and Hiei chorused.

Jin ignored them and started unfolding his gift. Erect, it was shaped rather like a manta ray and had long streamers and quite small turbo fans. "A rocket powered kite!" He flipped a small switch on the string reel and the tiny jets powered up with a roar, sending both gift and gifted straight for the skylight. "Wheeeeeeeeeee!"

"That was fun." Harlequin said, watching Jin orbit the light fixtures. "Okay, who's next? Aha! Keiko, this one's for you."

Keiko's gift was a sealed envelope. She opened it, pulled out a folded paper and read it, and then burst out laughing. "Just what I need." She said when she stopped for air. "A defenestration permit."

"A what?" Kuwabara asked.

"It means that she can shove Yuusuke out a window if he gets on her nerves." 'Quin replied with a grin in Yuusuke's direction. "He'll survive the fall even if she drops him off a skyscraper, but he won't be happy about it."

"You _will_ study for once, won't you?" Keiko said sweetly to Yuusuke who was looking extremely nervous.

"Er..." He managed.

"Raspberry fudge swirl!" Touya and Hiei enthused.

Damn it, Harlequin!" Yomi snapped. "Will you just give Hiei his gift so I don't have to listen to that racket?"

"Be cool, Yomi, just a minute... Ah, yes; Hiei, kindly pry your face out of Touya's book and unwrap your present."

Hiei didn't need any more encouragement than that. Once again confetti flew as he tore the paper off of his loot. He could not stifle a gasp of wonder when he opened the box. There were six knives inside, each of a different size and weight. Every single one of them was balanced so perfectly that they were nearly weightless when held flat. The blades were black- so black that they looked like holes in reality, and the edges were sharper than shadows. Tiny runes were picked out on the flat of the blades in gleaming silver. "Assassin's daggers!" He breathed.

"The very finest." 'Quin replied proudly. "I added the runes. It's a spell that makes them return to your hand after you've flung them, so you don't have to come out of hiding to retrieve them. How 'bout you go bully the lackeys into setting up a target for you?"

Hiei was up and away before Harlequin finished the sentence. "Happy now, Yomi?" 'Quin asked him with an evil grin.

"Um." Yomi replied a bit uncertainly. Those daggers made a very final "thunk" noise when they sank into the target.

"Pralines and cream!" Touya said happily. He hadn't even noticed Hiei's absence.

Yomi growled and started to prepare a lightning spell, but was cut off short when Harlequin presented him with a small box. Greed overcame annoyance, so he carefully untied the ribbon and lifted the lid. Inside the box was a mirror, on which someone had painted crossed eyes, spiky hair, and a frizzy beard and moustache in just the right places. Yomi looked up with an angry curse at the insult, and then stopped when he saw 'Quin grinning at him. Note the word saw. His eyes were open, and his blindness seemed to have been revoked. "Ooo." He said, looking around at everybody. "Edges! Colors! Wow!"

The others noted with some surprise that Yomi's eyelids had concealed the biggest, most meltingly brown doe-like eyes that they had ever seen. Combined with the slightly silly smile on his face as he examined a gingerbread cookie in minute detail, they made him look quite attractive.

"I'm afraid that it'll only last for one day, Yomi." Harlequin informed him. "The 'forever blind' classification is a little hard to shake."

Yomi hardly heard him. Still making funny little noises of amazement, he wandered off across the hall, apparently committing it to memory.

"Now who's next?" 'Quin said, rubbing his palms together. "Here we go, our first double for the day. Here's something for Koko and Kyoki, to liven up the slow nights."

Not sure if that was a good sign, they unwrapped the large, heavy package. Inside were three books, labelled 'For Koko', 'For Kyoki', and 'For Both'.

Kyoki was quite pleased with what he got. "How To Make a Succulent Duck Dinner in Five Easy Steps! Faaaan-tastic."

Koko was just as pleased with his. When asked what it was, he replied: "How to Get Your Lover to bend to Your Every Whim. This'll really come in handy. Thanks, 'Quin!"

Kyoki made a grab for Koko's book, but was thwarted when Piper reached into the box, pulled out the third book, and handed it to him. The title made Kyoki pull up short, and the contents made him burst out laughing. "What is it, Kyoki?" Koko asked.

"How to Get Your Stubborn Lover to Admit He's Beautiful." Kyoki choked out between guffaws. "Here's what's on the first page:

1.) Get him roaring drunk.

2.) Seduce him. Seducing is good.

3.) Tell him to admit he's beautiful or you'll torture him all night.

4.) Make sure that isn't what he wants.

5.) If it is what he wants, change plans immediately."

Koko gave the book a speculative look. This would indeed come in handy... "What's on the next page?"

Kyoki flipped the page over. "The other plans." He said weakly, eyes going very round. "Oh, my goodness."

"Hmmm." Koko said, peering over Kyoki's shoulder. "Oh, I like that one."

"Urk."

"And that one!"

"Eep." Kyoki whimpered, ears going very red.

Koko found this event fantastically cute. "Ears! Kawaii!"

Fortunately, before Kyoki ran away out of sheer embarrassment, Jin broke the tension by dive bombing the group, kite and all.

"Jin!" Mukuro snapped, dodging a particularly close sweep. "You fuzz-brained tornado fart! Stop that!"

"Nyyyyyeeeeooowwww!" Jin keened, preparing for another pass. "Eat spam, Red Baron!"

Harlequin, ever the dutiful host, solved that problem by conjuring up a cannon-like assembly that shot a three-pound watermelon straight into that inconvenient spot right between Jin's eyes. The impact sent him clear through the skylight with the kite trailing behind him.

"And that will be enough of that. Now where were we?" 'Quin said, dismissing his fruit launcher and looking around expectantly.

"My turn!" Yukina piped. "My turn!"

"Very well, my dear." 'Quin replied grandly, handing her a flat box.

Inside the box was a necklace of silver and sparkling crystal, cunningly wrought to look like the bare branches of trees after a heavy freezing rainstorm. With a squeal of delight, she put it on, causing Kuwabara's heart to pound. It was a gorgeous treasure, but the treasure that wore it was thirty times as priceless. Unfortunately, Hiei was watching them closely. With an almost negligent flick of one hand, he sent a viciously barbed black blade straight into the rug, right between Kuwabara's legs.

"Yipe!" Kuwabara yelped, scooting back away from the quivering knife.

Yukina was less than pleased. "Hiei, why did you do that?"

"Slipped. Sorry." Hiei replied, just a little smugly.

Yeah, right.

'Quin grinned and tossed Kuwabara a short cylinder. "I believe that this will help you with circumstances such as these."

Kuwabara gave the laughing god a blank look and unwrapped a bracelet. It was three inches wide and very plain, a simple cuff of blued steel with a single golden oval gem set into the center. "What's this?" Kuwabara asked.

"It's a shield." Harlequin replied. "Put it on. Give the stone a tickle with your Spirit Energy and see what happens."

Kuwabara frowned but did as he was told and was rewarded with a great gleaming kite-shaped shield of golden energy. It hung in the air above his wrist for a few seconds, and then winked out. "Wow!"

"It only needs a tiny bit of energy from you to set it off, and then it feeds off the energy of whatever's trying to kill you." Harlequin informed him. "I've set it so that only the Spirit Detectives can use it; if someone else steals and tries to use it, his hand will be fried off. Care to give it a try?"

Kuwabara grinned and sidled a bit closer to Yukina, and then leaned over and put his arm around her. She blushed becomingly, but Hiei's reaction was much more extreme. A second black knife bounced off a hastily erected shield; Kuwabara blew Hiei a resounding raspberry and kissed Yukina on the cheek. Yukina giggled and pushed Kuwabara away playfully, but Hiei exploded. With a shriek of rage, he attacked the shield, even to the point of jumping up and down on it. Mukuro nearly fell over laughing, and Kurama was desperately fighting off laughter of his own. It was Van who saved the day by lifting the extremely irate firebaby bodily off of the shield. Yukina was genuinely puzzled by Hiei's temper tantrum. "Why is he so angry?"

"The universal peeve of all brothers, my dear." Piper rumbled, watching Hiei wrestling with Van with much amusement. "They don't like it when some dumb ox puts the moves on their sister. I think it's an instinctive thing."

That stopped everybody short. "His _sister?!_ " Yuusuke said. "Yukina is Hiei's sister?"

Piper, a little startled by their reaction, replied: "Koorime generally bear twins. It's very rare that they have singles or triplets. You mean to tell me that you didn't _know?_ "

"How could you tell?!" Hiei demanded. "Nobody knew that but me and Kurama!"

Piper turned an apologetic look on Hiei. "I'm very sensitive to youki and psychic vibrations. I have to be, Hiei, or I wouldn't be able to find my way through the Shattered Lands. A side effect of this is that I can tell when two people are of the same family; the ki signatures are unmistakable. I'm sorry if I've blown your cover."

" _Blown my cover!_ " Hiei half-shrieked, wrenching himself out of Van's grip and advancing menacingly on the Piper. "Why, I-"

"Hold it." Yukina said sternly. "Hiei, you told me that you were searching for my twin brother."

"And he found him." Van said, ignoring Hiei's warning hiss. "Every time he looked in a mirror. I can see ki signatures too, Yukina. The Piper is correct."

"Why did you lie to me, Hiei?" Yukina asked in a hurt voice.

Hiei had a trapped, desperate look on his face that nearly broke Kurama's heart. Kurama couldn't go to him this time, however. This was strictly Hiei's mess, even though it hurt the Kitsune to witness it.

"I-" Hiei choked on the words, swallowed and tried again. "I wasn't sure." he whispered, looking at the floor.

"What?" Yukina said.

Hiei looked up at her with a strangled curse. "I was afraid, all right? I didn't know!" he burst out, angry at the fear and remembered pain that welled up inside him. "Ask anybody here- they'll tell you the truth! Would you really want a brother that is a thief and a murderer? A short, vicious-tempered bloodthirsty evil-eyed maniac? How could anyone want a relative like that? I lied because I didn't want to be rejected again!"

"Again?" Yukina said, voice thick with emotion "Oh, Hiei-"

Hiei had turned his back on her, refusing to look at anyone, shoulders hunched as he braced himself for her harsh words.

"You poor thing!" Yukina cried, running over and embracing her brother affectionately.

Off-balance, Hiei turned and gazed into her face, desperately seeking reassurance. "Wh- what?" He managed.

She hugged him close to her. "Poor, poor, Hiei." She murmured into his ear. "I bet you had to do all those nasty things just to stay alive all this time. Only a complete idiot couldn't look past those things and see the real you inside. Underneath, I think you're a very nice boy, and very gentle. How could I not accept you as my brother? How could I reject someone so sweet? I can feel your mind, I always could. You were never truly evil."

Hiei looked deep into her eyes, and saw no falsehood there. With a groan of unfathomable relief and joy, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight grip and buried his face in her shoulder. Tiny, bright tear-gems trickled onto the carpet as Yukina stroked her brother's bristly black hair comfortingly.

Kurama breathed a deep, emotional sigh of relief, tears sliding down his own cheeks. He'd known that this matter would have come up sooner or later, and the outcome had always worried him. No doubt it had kept his lover awake at night as well; underneath that stern exterior, Hiei was really very insecure. Kurama turned his thoughts away from such moody nonsense and concentrated on sharing Hiei's joy.

A few minutes later, Raizen tempted fate by reaching out to pick one of the glittering stones up and got his wrist slapped sharply for his trouble. Then, to his surprise, he was grabbed by the collar and hauled out of circle. The Piper, always ready to head off a disaster before it started, had taken a good look at the local bad guys. Yomi was off watching the fire and had completely missed the whole drama, but Mukuro and Raizen were another matter entirely. The co-ruler of the Shattered Lands took friendship very, very seriously, and was strongly inclined to protect those he called friend against all comers. So, he simply grabbed both of them and dragged them off for a little chat.

"What is this all about?" Mukuro demanded, much put out by the rough treatment.

"You two and I are going to have a talk," Piper growled. "Or rather, I'm going to talk and you're going to listen."

Piper dragged them over to the wreckage of a buffet table and set them down so hard on the floor that their teeth rattled. "A great truth has been revealed here tonight- namely that Hiei has a sister. Up till now her anonymity has acted to shield her against the plots of you two and those of your neighbors. I want this state of affairs to continue. If I hear of any incidents- any foul play at all- directed at that gentle little girl or her brother, I will know exactly who noised it about. Then I will pay you a visit, and your positions as high-ranking sorcerers will be vacant shortly after that. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yessir!" They squeaked, looking fearfully at each other.

"Good." Piper grunted. "Now come on back to the tree. I'm sure that there's a box or two in that heap for you."

Raizen and Mukuro followed a little distance behind him. "Are we going to let him boss us around like that?" Raizen hissed to Mukuro.

"Do we have a choice in the matter?" Mukuro whispered back. "Every time that monster looks at me, the words 'messy dismemberment', 'evisceration' and 'bite-sized' get stuck in my head. I'm not gonna argue with a carnivore that big."

"You've got a point." Raizen sighed. "I hate it, but you've got a point."

ooooo

Harlequin dabbed at his brimming eyes with a handkerchief. "Ah, these tearful reunions. I love 'em. Kurama, I believe that your lover is going to spend quite a while whoofling into his sister's front, so here's something to keep you busy until he calms down."

Hiei was not so busy that he couldn't throw 'Quin a black glare over Yukina's shoulder. It all came to nothing, however, for not only was Harlequin ignoring him, but Yukina started scratching him behind the ears. Hiei started purring like a cement truck, oblivious to anything else.

Kuwabara, however, was feeling a bit jealous and left out, but he wasn't going to press the issue. Yukina had not acted unfavorably to his kiss, and there was always later.

By this time, Kurama had unwrapped his box and was fishing around in the contents. It was full of little paper envelopes, and the envelopes were all full of: "Seeds?" Kurama asked.

"Seeds!" 'Quin confirmed. "But not just any seeds, my friend. I chased all over the three worlds and even into the Shattered Lands to find the rarest, the strangest, and the most phenomenal plants in existence."

"None of them are labelled, 'Quin." Kurama said, examining a strangely whorled nut with some suspicion.

"That's because I don't know what they are, either. I suggest you try growing them in special pots or in a handy vacant lot somewhere, especially since I managed to pick up a seed pod from an adder-tree along the way."

"What's an adder-tree?" Genkai asked.

"Exactly what it sounds like. Cross a snake pit with a white birch and there you have it. It's great for keeping trespassers off, but it scares three kinds of hell out of the mailman."

Kurama very carefully put the nut back into its envelope. "This is going to be very interesting." He murmured.

"Absolutely hair-raising, my boy." their host corrected him. "Now then; I believe it is your turn, Genkai."

Genkai was given a vaguely pyramid-shaped package that was nearly taller than she was. She took the paper off with some caution, and then squealed over the contents like any excited teenager. Inside were a pile of heavy, ornate scrolls and a stack of thick books, all of them having to do with the Spirit and Demon worlds. Without another word, she sat down in the middle of the heap, face buried in one of the more impressive tomes.

Van leaned over for a look. "Good heavens." He said. "A complete collection of the more significant Scrolls Of Power and Books Of Lore."

The Harlequin shrugged. "Hers were incomplete and starting to fall apart, anyway. I wasn't about to wait for her birthday to give them to her."

"When is her birthday?" Van asked.

"August." 'Quin replied. "Hey, Yuusuke, since everybody else in your group has gotten their goodies, let's complete the set."

Yuusuke caught his present out of the air as Harlequin flipped it at him like a tiddlywink. Upon unwrapping, it was a shimmering lens that was just the right size to fit in the circle made by thumb and forefinger. "'Quin, I already have a spyglass." Yuusuke said, a little disappointed.

"Silly person, I know that!" Harlequin replied in exactly the same tone that Yuusuke had used. "Note the shape of it, Yuusuke. A bit like an overlarge contact lens, isn't it? This thing is for your Rei Gun, not for picking monsters out of the population."

"Cool! How's it work?"

"When you use it with the rounded end pointing towards you, it amplifies your blasts all out of proportion. This is good for when you are facing either one very large enemy or a whole bunch of little ones. When you hold it with the round end facing away from you, it concentrates your blast down into one very intense line of fire; like a powerful laser beam. This is good for cutting Godzilla-sized things off at the knee, precision flash-frying of snipers, and writing tasteless graffiti permanently on your enemy's walls. Now are you happy? If you want to give it a try, there's a firing range out back, right behind the swimming pool."

During the lecture, Yuusuke's expression had changed from slightly disappointed to fascinated, and had finally settled on maniacal glee. "Thanks, 'Quin! he shouted, running off to find the firing range. A few minutes later, an impressive explosion shook the castle to the foundations.

"Think he's having fun out there?" Duo asked mildly.

Part of the ceiling fell in on the other side of the room.

"We can't let him have all the fun, now can we?" Harlequin handed Duo and Heero three packages of various sizes and shapes. "It would take him days to level this island all on his own, anyway. Since your homeland is torn between perpetual unpleasant warring factions, I've decided on some stuff that should make things a bit more enjoyable."

The first box they opened contained a pair of matching silver-plated handcuffs and a brick-thick unmarked book. "What's this?" Heero said, picking up the book and opening it. "No title or anything, just a plain brown dust jacket. I- Oh, my God."

"Whoo!" Duo said happily as Heero went suddenly stone-faced with embarrassment. "The Unabridged version of the Kama Sutra! With the thirty-three special positions! With _illustrations!_ They never let this thing out of India, did you know that? Even so, the Fundamentalists had the whole printing burned twenty years ago too."

"They missed one." Heero said weakly, turning the page with a shaking hand.

"We'll go through this thing later." Duo said, snatching the volume out of Heero's hands before he got too engrossed in it. "Let's open the others."

Heero pouted a little, but picked up his present. It turned out to be a small handgun seemingly made of fine gold and crystal-clear glass. It was a fanciful, delicate little thing with a slightly alien configuration that nonetheless fit Heero's hand perfectly. Heero, however, was used to dealing with big, hulking metal weaponry. "It's pretty, Harlequin, but what use is it?"

"More than you might think." 'Quin replied. "That's a pro gun. It's an energy weapon, obviously, a self-recharging handgun with a most satisfactory range and power output. It's also at a level of technology that's -oh- two or three hundred years ahead of your own. Whatever you do, don't stick it in your shorts unless you've got the safety on."

A small, bloodthirsty smile had settled itself on Heero's face, and he was already halfway through the instruction manual.

Duo's present was a long, gently recurved hardwood pole with a thin slit in one end. "What's this supposed to be?" He asked.

"Point the slitted end away from you and press the knot in the wood right there." 'Quin instructed.

Duo did as he was told, and a scytheblade snapped sharply out of the haft with a chilling little click. The blade was so thin and so sharp at the edge that it was transparent, and an odd purplish haze of split air molecules hovered around it in an invisible aura of pure sharpness. "Oh, wow." Duo breathed reverently.

"You'll never see another blade like that in your entire life." 'Quin told him. "I commissioned that scythe from the Reaper himself."

"YES!" Duo shouted, leaping to his feet and brandishing his new toy. "Shinagami lives!"

He then ran off to join Yuusuke on the firing range with Heero chasing after him.

"That's sort of a contradiction in terms, isn't it?" Touya said, looking up from his book. "I mean, 'Shinagami'... That's the God of Death."

"Actually, it's a ridiculously huge battlesuit that bears the name." Van replied. "But yes, it's still an oxymoron. I've met that heap of his before. No personality at all."

Harlequin made a face at him. "Shut up and open your gift."

Van's present was a case of extremely strange micro-machinery. "My thanks, Harlequin." Van said in a pleased tone, tucking the tools into various compartments. "These will come in most handy in the next several months."

"Queep?" Asked Norkie, poking at one tangled-looking tool.

"It's a self-repair kit." Van answered him. "Things are going to be very strange in the Shattered Lands soon, and every bit of preparation helps."

"Yah. Queep quip fizz."

"My sentiments exactly."

"What?" Raizen asked, confused.

"It doesn't translate." Van replied, popping his compartments closed.

Botan was the next to be gifted. It was a very small box, hardly bigger than a marble. That didn't stop it from containing something several hundred times its size, however. She pulled out a brand-new and beautifully carved oar with some unusual attachments on the broad end. "Jet engines?!" She exclaimed, giving 'Quin a funny look.

"For those really busy days." He replied. "You know, like a war or running away from a pack of Hunters or something. Believe me, once you've got those babies blasting, nothing's going to catch you."

Botan couldn't resist trying it out, and she quickly joined Jin in the upper atmosphere via the skylight.

"It's going to take an act of God to get those two down from there." Raizen said, watching the air show.

"Speaking." 'Quin laughed, handing Raizen a box. "Consider yourself blessed."

Raizen snorted and opened his gift, lifting out a large book. "Is it just me, or do you have this thing for books?"

Harlequin rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. "If you don't read the relevant material, you can't understand the jokes, okay? You wouldn't believe how much trouble I'm having with that problem these days."

"Sorry." Raizen apologized, and then read the title. "Yes!" He shouted, startling Hiei. "One Million and One Things to Do on a Boring Day! I've been looking all over for a copy of this!"

"You get bored easy?" Piper asked.

"You just ask Van what happened the last time I got whimsical. I love this thing! See, the very first project is how to build your very own Frankenstein's Monster! This is gonna be fun."

So saying, Raizen wandered off across the room, looking for a screwdriver and three toasters.

"I'd advise everybody to stay well away from his place for a while." 'Quin said, rustling around in the stacks. "It's going to be rather hazardous over there. Here you go, Norkie. Enjoy!"

Norkie queeped with excitement and tore right in. He was not at all happy with what he got, unfortunately; the box was full of hair curlers. Fizzing with fury, he drew his tiny sword and chased Harlequin straight up Piper's back.

"Joke! Joke!" he howled, clinging to Piper's neck. "Calm down already! The real gift is over there!"

Much miffed, the little furball stalked with great dignity over to the proper box. Inside that one was a set of six spare sprite swords, each flashier than the last. Nothing would do but to try them out immediately, so he scampered out the door to join Yuusuke, Duo and Heero out on what was left of the firing range.

By now, Mukuro and the Piper were the last two left to get a gift; they rolled dice for the privilege. "I win!" Mukuro said triumphantly. "Hand it over, clown-boy!"

The Piper noted in passing that Mukuro's dice were loaded, but decided not to make a fuss.

"Clown-Boy?" Harlequin said, handing her an envelope. "I'm going to have to get you for that, you know."

"So what?" Mukuro replied, opening the envelope.

Inside was a note that read: "Pull yourself together!"

Mukuro looked up, about to ask what the hell he meant by that when her bionic arm fell off. She sighed in disgust; the stupid thing just refused to stay on sometimes. She reached down and picked it up with her right hand, and then stopped. She didn't _have_ a right hand anymore- that was the whole point of the prosthetic arm. Mukuro dropped her fake arm again and stared in amazement at the real thing, examining each finger. In a sort of daze, she pulled up her shirt, but the ugly mass of scar tissue that had decorated her side since she had gained her freedom was completely gone. When she looked up, Harlequin was holding up a mirror and smiling mysteriously. With a yowl of disbelief, she ripped her headdress off and stared at her reflection. It was perfect. The self-inflicted disfigurement that she had gone to so much trouble to perform was gone completely, and she explored her face with cringing fingertips.

"It's real, Mukuro." Harlequin assured her. "It's another of those one-day things, but for now, it's real."

They were interrupted by the sound of a door slamming open. All eyes turned to the fic writer's room, where, standing in the doorway, was the young man who had kissed Mukuro earlier. His jaw hung open, and his face was totally smitten; this was the face of a man who has just seen the most gorgeous babe in the whole world.

He was at Mukuro's side in a heartbeat and had his lips locked to hers in the next. This time, however, Mukuro was ready for him and he was introduced to sudden newt-hood. It didn't stop him from giving her an extra smooch on the nose before dropping off and running like hell.

"Well, that seems to work." Harlequin observed dryly as Mukuro went to find another glass of wine. "Here you go, Piper. I hope it comes in handy."

Piper's gift was a star opal sphere about the size of a tennis ball. When touched with Spirit Energy, it came alive with light and produced a holographic model of the Hub, the Three Worlds that orbited it, and all the Shattered Lands floating between. Piper uttered a guttural bark of surprise and pleasure. "This is accurate!" He cried.

"You have no idea how much of a headache it was to put that together, even with Issola's help." Harlequin replied. "It'll chart the Tides, too, and in real-time, no less."

"Impressive." Piper murmured, tracing the intricate connections between the Makai and a cluster of Lands. One of them, a tiny orange-red shard of reality, suddenly burst into tiny bits and disappeared. "And there goes Dynamite Dumps again. Amazing how they've discovered explosives, but still have no clue about fire safety." He laughed, dismissing the image and tucking the ball into a pouch.

"And that takes care of everyone." 'Quin said, rising to his feet. "I suggest that we hang around for a while enjoying ourselves before going home."

"Whose are those, then?" Hiei said, pointing at the remaining heaps of goodies.

"Mine, I'm afraid." 'Quin replied. "I've got a lot of lackeys, and they have very broad senses of humor."

No more was said about that.

ooooo

With the main event over, those who were not already doing mad-scientist things, trying out some new stunt-flying maneuvers, or blowing three kinds of hell out of the back yard started wandering around searching for something to do. For most of them, it was easy. Hiei, who had recovered from his emotional outburst, tied Piper's tail in several knots for blowing his cover. After that, he grabbed Touya and Kurama and dragged them off to the kitchen to try out some of those ice cream recipes. Not long afterwards, they dragged the Piper into the kitchens as well, to help stir the mix.

Yomi was still wandering around in a happy daze and eventually wound up under the tree watching the pretty lights.

Genkai was trying out some of the new spellbooks and had already turned her pet were-Harley into a lemon, a fire hydrant, a bowl of seashells, and a rubber herring.

Mukuro was amusing herself by arm-wrestling with Van to test the strength of her new arm. He was only paying half attention to the contest; Mukuro's bionic one had him fascinated and he examined it most closely while Mukuro did her best to pop his elbow joint in two.

Keiko and Yukina had taken over the couch and began discussing "girl things" of such an intensely feminine nature as to drive Kuwabara off. He joined Koko and Kyoki out on the balcony and watched the fireworks with them as Duo, Heero, and Yuusuke blew holes in half the landscape and cut the rest of it down. It was snowing heavily, reducing the visibility to practically nothing.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm bored." Kuwabara sighed. "Any ideas on how to liven things up?"

"You could always go over there and fence with Duo." Koko suggested. "That shield of yours might protect you from his scythe."

Kuwabara's blood went cold as Duo, shrieking with maniacal glee, slashed a blast from Yuusuke's Rei Gun into several pieces and started chasing him around the blast craters. "I don't think so." He muttered. "Any other ideas?"

"Just one." Kyoki said with a smile, picking up a handful of snow and molding it into a ball. "Let's see if I can start an avalanche or something."

So saying this, he hurled the ball with pin-point accuracy straight into Heero's ear.

Startled, Heero stopped dead in his tracks. Normally, he would blow any attacker, no matter how silly their choice of weapons, clean out of their socks; right now, however, his homicidal instincts were warring with a rare good mood. He stood there for several seconds with cold water leaking down his shirt before putting the safety on the gun and shoving it into his shorts. Unsure about just who had thrown the first snowball, he simply scooped up some snow and threw it at the nearest person he could find. Direct hit on Duo's nose. Half blind, Duo returned fire with several snowballs, some of which hit Yuusuke, who misfired a Rei Gun blast and started a small avalanche. Small or no, it swept the combatants up to and over the balcony where it collected Koko, Kyoki, and Kuwabara -rather enlarging the doorframe in the process- and proceeded to swamp the Hall under two feet of snow.

"Exciting enough for you?" Kyoki said as they dug themselves out of the drifts.

"Shut up." Kuwabara grouched.

Harlequin rose out of the snow with a happy grin and a glint in his eye. "Ah-ha! Raymond, I have you now!" He shouted for absolutely no reason at all. "Hear me now, you seasonal celebrants! I hereby challenge the lot of thee to a snow war, so get off your duffs and come on! Last one to build a snow fort is a fifty-pound bucket of plaster."

Not one of the people in the room would willingly ignore a challenge and they weren't too sure if he was just joking about the bucket of plaster, so they all rushed outside. Needless to say, the snow was the perfect consistency for building forts. There was nothing forced about the fight itself, fortunately, and it progressed with speed and enthusiasm. It was a completely new thing for most of them. Yuusuke and Kuwabara had had more or less normal human childhoods, but Duo and Heero were Colony boys. The only times that either of them had even seen snow was when they were on assignment on Earth, and even then they were far too busy kicking butt and getting their butts kicked to enjoy it any. Heero was having the time of his life. He had completely forgotten himself and was shouting and laughing and stuffing snowballs down Raizen's shirt just like any normal teenager while Duo looked on with rather pleased amazement. As for the Makai folks, winter usually meant hard times, ice demon invasions, and survival training. Nobody had ever figured out that snow could be _fun_.

All this activity attracted the attention of Jin and Botan, who swooped down for a closer look and were promptly shot down by a barrage of snowballs, courtesy of Mukuro, Kyoki, and Kuwabara. With a hoot of fury, Botan stuck her oar into a handy snowdrift and pounced Kuwabara, burying his head in the snow and shoving handfuls of chilly white stuff down his pants. Jin was equally incensed and blew up the world's first ice tornado, which made snowmen out of everybody. This only worked until Harlequin, who never wanted to be a sculpture in the first place, stuffed a pickle up Jin's left nostril. Meanwhile, Yukina was having a blast. Being a girl, the Koorime side of her family had bred true, and she was fully in her own element. Her snow fort was unmatched in size, elegance, and defenses. She, Yuusuke, Keiko, Koko, and arguably Yomi were holed up in there, determined to prevail. Yomi was too busy studying the architecture of the ice forts to even notice that there was a snow war going on at all.

What followed Jin getting the pickle out of his snoot could best be described as a white-out. The air was thick with snowballs and battlecries as the warring factions strove for victory, and the clouds overhead piled fresh snow unceasingly on the field to provide ammunition for all. They eventually had to ally themselves all together when Harlequin decided to play the bad guy. With a great cry, he leaped to the top of his igloo. "In the Name of Noo-Nah, god of cows and snowball fights, I will size this plain for the forces of the oppressively boring winter months! Rise, my legions of monochrome dullness! Rise, and crush the invaders! NOO-NAH!"

All around him, the drifts reformed into hundreds of slavering mutant snow goons that hissed and giggled and advanced menacingly on the forts. They weren't all that hard to destroy; a good punch or a snowball to the face (if the things could be said to have faces) was sufficient to break them up, but there were lots of them. Although our heroes fought bravely, one by one the forts crumbled until there was only one left standing- Yukina's castle. No matter how the frosty monsters tried, they could not breach the sparkling walls, so our heroes planned their counterattack. The solution to their problem was fairly simple- grab 'Quin and pitch him into the swimming pool or something. He, like any other Dark Lord, was the main driving force behind the evil army. Without him, the opposition would crumble. The main problem with this was actually getting to the clown before his snow goons got them. Van solved this one without so much as straining a diode. "War or no," he said. "this is still a game and not a serious fight. I rather favor just bulling a path right through the mob without stopping, save to pick up the King of Jesters over there and stick him headfirst in a barrel of applesauce."

This plan was as good as any, so Yukina lowered her drawbridge and out they rushed. The snow goons crowded and shoved at each other in their attempts to bring Yuusuke and the others down, but they never so much as slowed. Heero spotted 'Quin standing on his igloo, jumping up and down and encouraging his forces to greater efforts. He and the entire pack changed direction, bearing down on Harlequin like an avalanche. 'Quin was nuts, but he wasn't stupid. When you see a crowd of that size and ferocity coming right at you, you get out of the way in a tearing hurry! Give him credit, he tried. Heero wasn't having any of that, so he jumped to the top of the igloo and leaped straight into the air and caught hold of 'Quin's cape as he tried to fly away. The extra weight upset 'Quin's balance, sending them both crashing straight into the swimming pool, which was filled with steaming fudge sauce at the moment. The rest of the pack hit a patch of ice that had been hidden under the snow and joined Harlequin and Heero in the pool with a great sticky splash. As if in protest, the contents in the pool changed to applesauce -very appropriate!- and everybody had to haul themselves out before they sank. 'Quin laughed and hoicked two kinds of gunk out of one ear. "Well, we're due for a bath! What say we go have some lunch and then do this again?"

Raizen shoved him back into the pool and went off in search of a shower with the others following suit.

The lackeys were smarter than their master in that they didn't try to be funny for once; instead they passed out soap and remarkably large fuzzy towels and pointed out where the baths were. Once again, all living things are forced to admit a Great Truth of Civilization- there are no greater luxuries than soap and hot running water. It was so nice that the only thing that persuaded them to come out of there at all were the delicious smells coming from outside. Wearing the bathrobes thoughtfully provided by the lackeys, they drifted out into the main hall where they were confronted by a huge banquet. Those of you who have engaged in a snowfight and a long, hot bath -all before breakfast, mind you- will understand why everybody abandoned all dignity and attacked the food. They were joined shortly by Hiei, Kurama, Touya, and the Piper, who proudly carried with them thirty-eight different kinds of ice cream.

It took less than two hours before the tables were bare of food, which was quite an achievement. All the people, sated, began to wander off to take a siesta or something. The entire hall had been altered. Instead of the garish decorations of the day before, the colors were cooler and more restful. There were definitely more cushions around, and a large and labyrinthine maze of carefully trimmed hedges had grown up out of the floor in the center of the Hall. The perfect setting for a post-banquet nap, and the guests were quick to take advantage of it. Jin and Touya, for instance, had rather overdosed on the spumoni and had passed out behind the couch. Botan had drifted over to the futons by the fireplace and curled up there, while Van quietly plugged into a nearby outlet. Yukina snoozed smugly under the tree, snuggled up against Kuwabara, who kept an eye out for Hiei. He didn't really need to. The firebaby in question was flat on his belly on the other side of the room, going languidly through Kurama's seeds while his lover scratched him gently behind the ears.

Koko and Kyoki were tangled in a complicated knot in a nest of pillows near the fireplace, flipping through their books. Norkie had tucked himself in a knothole in the tree, nibbling away at a candy cane that was three times larger than he was. Keiko and Yuusuke were getting in some quality time on the couch itself, watching the others as they bimbered happily about the room. Piper was demonstrating to Duo why having four eight-fingered hands was a very good thing; certainly it was for Duo, who was getting a back rub out of it. Heero sat nearby, studying their copy of the Kama Sutra for later experimentation. Genkai had also returned to her stack of scrolls, and was going through them with great interest. Harlequin had taken up residence in the chandelier, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps the most contented individual in the whole room at the moment was Mukuro.

Mukuro was happy and at peace with the world. Her belly was full, her body clean, whole and dry. It might also be noted that her head was a little light from the now half-empty glass of Skyrocket she held in one hand. In passing, she came across Yomi, who was sitting at a table being charmed out of his socks by a small, flirtatious, and extremely female lackey. Mukuro could not help but watch him as he lifted a glass of rose wine to his lips. Damn, he was cute.

Aware of her scrutiny, he turned and looked her up and down. Oh, those rich and meltingly sweet chocolate-brown eyes! Mukuro felt a sudden rush of high, hot feelings course through her. "You," Yomi said in a wine-slurred voice, "are th' mosht beau'ful woman I've ever sheen."

The few sober brain cells left in Mukuro's head were horrified. _Stop! Stop!_ They cried. _The whole point of the mutilation was to keep people like him from using me as a sex object!_

 _ **Shut up!**_ The rest of her brain retorted, well sloshed in alcohol and long-denied hormones. _**I'm using me as a sex object at the moment, so go inhabit a nun!**_

"Come here, sugar." She cooed, taking the demon by the horns. At least this one's willing!

Those bushes over there looked most inviting...

On their way to the shrubbery, they ran into Raizen, who had been reading his book instead of watching where he was going. "Whoops!" He said, nearly dropping his book. "Sorry, Mukuro, I... Good heavens."

Mukuro's bathrobe had come open a little at the front, and her charms were enticingly visible.

Mukuro gave him a once-over. His pale amber eyes were very wide, highlighted by the purple tattoo on one cheek. His finely-carved face was framed by a mane of silky platinum blonde hair made all bushy from its recent washing. He was dressed only in a loose tank top and a pair of boxer shorts. What the hell, the more the merrier. "Hi." She said. "Wanna go play in the bushes?"

"Mukuro!" He said. "You're drunk!"

"Oh, yeah." She giggled. "I'm a Pepper. Would you like to be a Pepper too?" She crooned, pressing her glass into his hand.

He smelled nice, she noted. Like sandalwood soap, hot cider, gingerbread, and nutmeg.

Raizen looked at the glass as though it might explode, and glanced at Mukuro.

 _It's now or never, big boy..._

"Oh, why not?" He said, drained the glass and followed the sloshed sorceress and her consort into the shrubbery.

ooooo

One by one, all those who were not already asleep dropped off quietly into a sound slumber, and the Hall filled with snores. Harlequin came down very quietly out of the light fixtures and surveyed his guests with a pleased smile on his face. A lackey trotted up and leaned companionably on his knee. "Good party, Boss." It said softly in a high-pitched voice.

"Yeah." 'Quin replied. "They're not going to forget this one any time soon. Mukuro, Raizen, and Yomi might want to, though."

"Not until they sober up." The lackey snickered. "How you gonna send them home? It's gonna take a forklift to get that trio out of the bushes if they don't wanna go."

'Quin shrugged. "I'll just send them back while they're sleeping. And they'll wake up in their _own_ beds, thank you very much. Well, maybe not Hiei. He hasn't got a bed of his own, so I guess he can stay with Kurama."

"Then do it to it, Boss. Me and the fellas have to get the Hall cleaned up. This mess is a _place._ "

ooooo

A short while later, the Harlequin's sleepy guests woke up in their own worlds, half-convinced that the marvellous party had been only a dream. That is, until they saw their presents propped or stacked conveniently nearby. There were a couple of exceptions in Mukuro's and Yomi's cases of course; and both of them badly startled their Onis.

ooooo

Yomi stayed in bed for half an hour staring at the ceiling and giggling before hopping out of bed and wandering about the castle, committing every detail to memory. It didn't help that he was stark naked at the time.

ooooo

Mukuro drove her servants equally batty when she dug a string bikini out of the recesses of her closet and spent a great deal of time admiring herself in every mirror she could find.

ooooo

The others weren't quite so extreme in their delight, although Raizen badly boggled his Onis when he holed himself up in his workroom and showered them with his demands for strange objects and ingredients. "Just look at this list!" an exhausted guardsman complained to a gardener. "Master Raizen has gone completely nuts. Listen to this: 'One dead body, three stalks of celery, a hamster, a toaster, three ham-and-cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and a small jar of raspberry meringue'."

"What's he going to build with all that?" The gardener said incredulously.

"I don't know, man, and I'm not sure I want to know."

ooooo

Koko and Kyoki spent the entire day cooking duck and the entire night eating it and reading their other books. Duck grease can be fun.

ooooo

Jin and Touya alternately delighted and infuriated their neighbors. Touya had decided to test-run every single recipe in his book on them. Unfortunately, the sugar overload made Jin hideously hyper and he started dive-bombing them with his kite.

During one of his lucid moments, the kinetic wind-spirit actually managed to slow down long enough to carry on a conversation. "If you keep stuffing me with ice cream like this, I'll be too fat to fly!"

Touya snorted. "Not at the rate you're vibrating at! Just how much did you eat?"

"Too much! This is all your fault!"

"Hey, I'm not forcing you to eat it!" Touya shouted as Jin shot off over the treetops.

"Shut up!"

ooooo

Piper nearly drove Issola completely up the wall with his enthusing over his new map.

ooooo

Van was very aware that High Tide in the Shattered Lands was only a couple of months away and went to clean and update his bunker.

ooooo

Norkie wound up terrorizing an entire clan of highwaymen with his new swords. It's _amazing_ how fast a bunch of guys will run if you threaten to remove their family jewels.

ooooo

Duo and Heero had even more fun than the fuzzball. Right after they woke up, Duo grabbed his fancy new scythe, screamed: "Shinagami lives!" at the top of his lungs, and ran off down the hall to grab a snack and cackling all the way.

Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei peered through the door at Heero, who had discovered his flashy little pro gun lying on the bedtable. "Um, Heero?" Quatre said nervously. "Where did Duo get that scythe? He just sliced through three feet of armor plating out there like it was nothing."

"Whee!" Came Duo's exuberant shout from down the hall.

Heero just smiled and slipped the safety off of his gun. "The same place I got this. Excuse me." And he left the room, following Duo off toward the firing range.

The others watched him go with some confusion, and then Wufei noticed the thick book sitting on the bedtable and the two pairs of handcuffs dangling innocently from the lamp. "What are these for?" He said, poking at them. "It's not like we take live prisoners very often."

Quatre shrugged and reached for the book. "And neither of them are very big on reading. I haven't seen this book before." He said, flipping it open. "There's no title on the cover or anything, and I... Oh, dear God."

The others crowded around to see what had stunned their teammate, and they too stared in horrified fascination at the illustration, the instructions, and the author's notes that lay in full color on the page.

Wufei's nose suddenly fountained blood and he scrambled frantically out of the room. His wailing cry of "Justice!" echoed forlornly down the hall as he ran to hide in Nataku's cockpit.

Quatre shut the book firmly and made as if to go after Wufei, but Trowa stopped him with a word. "Quatre," He said, flipping though the pages. "Do you think, if we asked very nicely, that Heero and Duo might lend us their handcuffs?"

ooooo

In another universe entirely, Genkai, Yukina, and Hinageshi spent a quiet day looking through and cataloguing the heap of new scrolls.

ooooo

Botan set about out-flying every other airborne spirit she could find in the Reikai, including Koenma.

ooooo

Yuusuke and Kuwabara met together by the Arcade and decided to give their new arsenal a real tryout by going mugger-hunting in the back alleys. By the end of the day, there were a lot less casual criminals floating around, and a lot more puzzled policemen. It's not every day you get a load of charred drug dealers and petty thieves running up to your doorstep, shouting wild tales of evil teenagers with lasers and glowing force fields and begging to be put behind bars where it was _safe_.

ooooo

Keiko tucked her defenestration permit into her daily planner with a smug smile. She was perhaps just a little disappointed that it could only be used once, but what the heck. She'd just save it for when Yuusuke was being _really_ obstreperous.

ooooo

Kurama and Hiei, unlike the others, never even bothered to get out of bed. Among other things, they agreed to make their gardening experiments later, and Hiei could stand by with his knives just in case one seed grew into something more invasive than your average dandelion.

The End

 **A/N: Yes, I am aware that there are several little mistakes in the canon. I rolled around on the floor in agony each time I spotted one while getting this story ready to post. Please forgive them, as they do not get in the way of the story. And in case anyone was curious, the goofball who keeps kissing Mukuro is my brother, Grog. He wasn't a fic writer, but he had a serious thing for Mukuro back then and demanded to be added to the fic when he found out what Spanch and I were planning. Extra kudos to anyone who spots the tiny Weird Al reference. I hope everyone enjoys this story, even with all its little quirks and glitches.**


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